UGH

[NOTE] this is not ENTIRELY about Disney, it is just something I need to get out, somewhere, some how.

The one person I'm going to miss the most, the one I have cried about leaving the most is also the one I fight with the most. I am sick of it. I need to talk through problems, he needs to slam the door in my face. I need an explanation, he needs to get over it and its done with.

I want this Disney thing a lot, but I don't want to lose what I have. I'm afraid, I'm sad, I'm nervous and now I can't even seem to keep the connection with the one person I need it from the most. Sure I'm going to miss my other co-workers and friends, and of course my family, but he's the person I am the closest to. he knows me (as he says) better than I know myself. Which doesn't make any sense, but whatever.

I'm pissed off right now. I'm angry and upset and frustrated that I can't just explain myself to him. I do stupid things...a lot. But not dangerously stupid things. I make mistakes and I act dumb...a lot. I admit it. I need his support, I need to not fight anymore. I need last year back...or at least last semester.

I want more time with my friends, and I don't want to have to deal with looking for grad schools while I am in Florida. I don't want to have to deal with most of my friends graduating while I am in Florida. My home for the past 3 years will be foreign to me and when I get back I might not fit back into my niche. I don't want to lose my friends and my connections, but when I get back I will only have one more semester with the ones that will still be here. It scares the shit out of me and these stupid fights make it worse. I hope you're reading this because I need you to know this, and every time I try you just tell me "oh stop!". I can't stop crying this week and for once it's not because of bipolar disorder. For once it's because I genuinely feel pain and am afraid. I want so badly to go to Albany after I graduate because you will be there and I am so utterly afraid to lose your friendship just because I am far away. I worry about that more than you know, and it might seem silly but it honestly is a big deal for me. I am sorry...Hillary was right, I depend on you too much. This should probably go into the sorry box but it was just too important to be jotted down in a hurry. I'm scared to death and I don't know what to do. I can't fight anymore. I hope you understand all of this because I know I won't be able to just tell you. I really hope that after I send this link to you you'll actually read this.

I know that it is my insecurity that makes me worry about this, but I always question if you are sick and tired of me and my antics and I always wonder why you still stay friends with me. Stupid, I know. Over dramatic, probably. But true none the less. Thank you for everything you have done and continue to do for me. You are the best friend in the world and are an amazing and very talented person who I am honored to be friends with. I love you, "ya dumbass" :-p

<3